Today and today and today

and let's trust the future to tomorrow.

Month: January, 2013

by jemnotfinch

Been shifting positions and moving places for a while now but nothing is comfortable because that’s how pain is.

 

Literally in pain.
But it sounds quite nice metaphorically too. Let’s stick with that.

Taking its toll

by jemnotfinch

When my friend forgot my birthday and (jokingly, but still) blamed it on me not posting it on Facebook and never greeted me personally, it hit me: we’re probably no better than simple acquaintances. At that moment I realized that we have been so dependent on chats and text messages that I am still admittedly uncomfortable talking to Friend face-to-face. I can’t believe that my usually sentimental, friendship-obsessed self has allowed for our friendship to be built upon communication through Facebook and our keypads.

And now it’s taking its toll.

Around Friend, I constantly suffer from my awkwardness and trust issues. That doesn’t happen to people I label as a close friend. Friend and I do know a lot about each other. But the favorite-whatever know. The basic-details know. Now that I think about it, it’s pretty shallow. Idk what sets Friend off, philosophy in life, first impression of me, etc.

Online, I’m okay. I say things I wanna say, barely thinking twice about it. But when I actually see Friend, we barely talk. And when I do talk I feel¬†uncomfortable. So I opt to stay quiet. After a while Friend leaves and the cycle is repeated.

I’m trying to break it.

by jemnotfinch

Happy seventeenth birthday, self! Be happy today, you always find a reason to be ūüôā

*This is my favorite day because I turn 17 on the 17th. ūüôā

Sometimes

by jemnotfinch

Sometimes you don’t think enough, sometimes you think too much.

I think today I went with the latter and I don’t know,
I think I kind of regret it.

The week ahead

by jemnotfinch

And the many years to come.

 

On Thursday, I am going to turn seventeen.

I really, really think my 17th birthday is very special. (Even more so than my 18th.) I really want it to be.

And that’s why I am planning my week. What to do (that is, watch Les¬†Mis√©rables!), what to eat (that is, almost anything).

I dunno how I feel though. I’m not sure if I’m excited.
I’d like to be.

But planning these things alone,
planning to go to the movies and planning to have a costly, yummy birthday lunch alone can suck the excitement out of it all.

And then there’s the maybe’s and the if’s
and the nevermind’s.

Maybe Thursday won’t be so bad. Maybe watching a movie alone won’t be so bad. It’s Les Mis√©rables¬†after all. Maybe lunch by myself would be nice considering the suffocating days I’ve had lately.

If I was home, I’d be sure to have a splendid time. My family will make sure I have the best day and I won’t have to think twice about asking my friends to join me for lunch. If they haven’t set a lunch date already.

And there’s really not much I can do so nevermind.
I think I have been so much better at sucking it up recently. And so that, I shall do.

But it’s still quite sad.

I want chocolates and potatoes and cheese and flowers and hugs and kisses and my family and friends on my birthday.
My 17th birthday which will only come once in forever.

 

And gosh. If I’m a mess right now, I can’t imagine how the heck I’m going to make it through Thursday.
And I thought this year was going to be better.

 

I really hope I’m wrong.

Scary

by jemnotfinch

Scary to think you’re not making much sense anymore.

To do something

by jemnotfinch

I just want to be preoccupied.

That, while I am trying to figure out where I really am going, I will be preoccupied by something.
Something that makes sense. Something that matters. Something that I’m good at.

I’m not really sure if this is¬†it.¬†If this blog is¬†it.¬†If the half-baked posts, pretentious thoughts (I sometimes think) are¬†it.
I always doubt that they are, and I think this is because there’s just so many amazing posts out there.
No, I don’t measure by the responses and/or clicks of buttons.
It’s more of the feeling I get when I read a post by a stranger or a friend and how I read my own stuff and I doubt very much that anyone feels like I feel towards those by other people.

I’d love to impress people with my drawing but I can’t draw to save my life. I can’t sing, let alone write songs. I can’t write poems or stories. (I try and this is it)

Ah and now it’s out. Maybe it’s the frustration from wanting to impress people. And not.

Or maybe it’s what I’ve always thought–the frustration from seeing kids my age publishing things people love, touring all over the world to show their talent, creating things people would pay to see.

 

Things that always lead me to ask,

What am I doing with my life?

Goodbye, 2012

by jemnotfinch

It can’t be a see you later, 2012, can it?

That’s both happy and sad, I guess.

Like the past year.

Which was both happy and sad, I guess.

But what’s pretty nice is that you can choose to hold on to the happy reasons and let go of the sad ones.

If the sad ones are hard to forget, there’s 2014, 2015, so on until the world really does end.

It will eventually get easier.

 

As for me, 2012 has left me a couple of things to remember.

One, that I should have more time for myself. Just thinking. Because that is how I come up with posts on here, aside from my random musings in the shower. And the wisdom of the people around me and those on the other side of the world, publishing works of art.

Two, celebrating your birthday alone is quite sad. I cried during my 16th birthday last year because there was no one to greet me personally until the evening. My family called me early in the morning but a phone call on special days, I now know, will never be enough and it was the reason I cried in the first place. Or part of.

Three, true friends are forever. As¬†clich√© as that sounds. But last year, the one thing I’ve constantly been thankful for is staying friends with a lot of people I knew before I moved on to college, especially one with whom I had a sort of falling out. But now we’re friends again/still so all is well. Most is well.

Four, do not be too quick to judge. And this is about a boy band I initially was indifferent towards but now adore. And you know, everyone else I met last year. (Okay, I try not to judge people. Really. But has anyone really ever succeeded there? All the time?)

Five, dreaming really is free (the I-want-to-be-a-doctor sort of dreams of course. Not dreams that intentionally want to hurt the welfare of others in which case, the free country is not so free anymore. But I digress.) and going for your dreams really is costly. Talk about the investments and risks. And the regrets. But I guess in a few years, I will be able to post about how it is worth it. Not now because I’m not even a quarter way there yet but there¬†are¬†days when I am doing what I decided to pursue and I feel like I made the right choice. Can’t know for sure yet but there’s an inkling and it has to be good enough because it’s the best you can get for now. And also how, at the end of the day, it’s still mostly up to you. Life is unsure. What¬†can¬†you do?¬†(Do it.)

Six, people fail you. But that’s okay. Even the people you trust the most, your closest friends, they fail you. But that’s okay. You fail them too. But you don’t choose to fail them, do you? (I hope not.) It most probably means that they don’t choose to fail you either. It’s just that, things happen. Life happens. Love happens. Your Doctor Who download happens. A new book by her favorite author happens. Hell week happens. Just try harder this year. And hope people around you try harder too.

Seven, waiting is hard but waiting is worth it. Okay, not always. But there’s always the ‘at least’. You cannot really predict the future. Whether waiting for something is going to be worth it. That’s why they’re called risks. And that’s why it’s called a choice. And that’s why they’re called regrets. And that’s why it’s called moving on. Or trying again. Whichever works. Again, it sounds like something you learn every year. But 2012 has reiterated it. A lot. And I feel like I’ve become a lot more patient now. Concerning certain things.

Eight, “You love so much you shouldn’t be surprised you are loved so much back.”

Nine, noticing the nice little things is a–and at least¬†my–way to survive a really rough day. It’s part of accepting that nothing is perfect but a lot of things are great.

Ten, BREATHE. When you have to. And you know, you¬†always¬†have to if you want to stay alive. Constant little breaths. And when things really get to you, a huge gulp of air is the way to go. But there’s a fine line between what you¬†think¬†is overwhelming and what is really overwhelming. Which is pretty hard to define. But if you take huge breaths all the time you’ll look really weird. And get tired, I think. Which is counter-intuitive.

So thank you year 2012 (and everyone who was part of mine) for those ten lessons… among other things.

Cheers!

 

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” -W. Somerset Maugham