A wishlist

by Jem

1. a big brother

For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted a kuya. I had–still have–a belief that an older brother was this bully and at the same time superhero who was bipolar because he annoys you to death and does everything to protect you from the evils of the world at the same time. I need a person like that in my life. I think I’ll make a good albeit also annoying little sister.

2. a star named after me

That’s possible, right? And it would be really cool, what with my recent obsession with stars.

3. a best friend

I think I just narrowed down the list of the high school friends I know I will be with forever to seven names. It seems I only truly trust seven people from the 100+ I’ve met throughout four years of my life. But while I have them, I still pray each day for the best friend truly meant for me so that I don’t have to cry, laugh and have all sorts of moments by myself.

4. more me time

There can never be too much me time, methinks. Even if I ended up talking to myself during the last one. This one, I at least have reason to hope to get because Christmas break is only a few days away. I have yet to find a place as serene (and equally safe) as our acad oval when I get home though. For deep thinking. Me time has always been for thinking. And eating.

5. direction

Once again, I am thinking that I really belong to the arts. But at the same time I cannot imagine the rest of my college life without science. I can’t help but think that I am lost. I don’t know where I’m going. But I hope to figure it out soon. And it isn’t just my education and career either but other kinds of choices too. But I guess life’s about that. Figuring thing out. Making the wrong choices. Or the rights ones. And learning, either way.

6. lifetime supply of chocolates

Seriously. Because it’s my comfort food and God knows I need all the comfort I can get for the rest of my life. Because it doesn’t get any easier from here.

7. resolve

I really think I need to stop being moody. Aaand I always say that. I have lots of attempts to be happy and to stay that way but this time, I really, really need to just do it. Just be happy. Just do the things I have to. Some sort of resolve to escape the black hole that manages to suck me into a limbo of emotions that do nothing but shatter me. I mean sometimes it is important to feel sadness and anger and fear but I shift from one to another so quick it really doesn’t help anyone. Especially not myself. I need to learn to stay put. And the strength to do so.

8. constant reminders

That everything is going to be okay. That everything is going to be better.

9. a better way with words

I wish I was a better writer. I try.

10. something to get lost in

I don’t think I’ve ever been lost in the moment as I did something. Like how some people get lost while singing or drawing or running. I have yet to find something I will be so devoted to that I just lose any and all sense of time and everything else around me out of delight.