MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
Favorite day (well, one of two) of the year!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
Favorite day (well, one of two) of the year!
Currently reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I am in Chapter 5 and I plan to finish this in 24 hours.
I love the characters already. And I think I get how Hazel feels about stuff she wants to be hers. Only hers. She’s reluctant to talk about her favorite book, she doesn’t want to display her orange tulips in the living room because it wouldn’t feel like hers anymore.
I think that’s some healthy dose of possessiveness right there. I think it’s nice to know once in a while that something is yours and yours alone. Nice to know that it’s special and only you know it. Because only you know it.
I’m not really sure if I have something like that in my life. Whether I do or don’t, I have to find out/find it.
Maybe having something special in my life will make me feel a whole lot special/er as well.
Hmm. How random.
I can’t believe I’ve come to a point where I have to ask that. I can’t believe we’ve come to a point where I have to ask that.
Seriously. I am just so tired of trying to figure you out and guessing where I stand with you.
Please just tell me if I really mean much (or anything at all) to you. It will make everything easier for both of us, I swear.
I am tired of feeling like the rebound friend.
Days ago I thought I had myself figured out.
I just had so much love to give, this overwhelming desire to shower someone with all of it. And since I haven’t met the one who was… it for me, I compensate by surprising the people around me, doing little things for them. They’re always too small though, for all the love I have to pour out. I guess that’s why I’m always so scared that I overdo it sometimes. But my dear friends don’t really have much choice about it. Until the right one comes, they would all have to bear being recipients of the love I have to give. And as I’ve said, it’s a lot.
And now, another realization: maybe I am meant to love someone who needs all the love I can give.
I don’t really dwell on these types of things. I’d rather just let it all happen. Take them as they come.
But I guess it isn’t so bad to have this to hold onto. Just this. As I wait.
I woke up to great news. The Reproductive Health Bill just ‘hurdled past’ the second reading here in our country.
Idk why but moments after hearing (reading) the news, I thought of my Daddy and how excited I was to talk to him about it. My dad is a pastor and I practically grew up in church, listening to worship songs and watching my dad preach. Both he and my mom are faithful servants of the Lord and now they are handling a congregation that is yet to grow even more. They have also been very caring and attentive parents despite the demands of their ministry. Of course, being Born Again Christians and leaders, they raised me, my sister and brother to fear God. We read our Bibles and memorized verses. We all prayed together in the morning and during meals. On Sundays we knew to wake up early and get ready for church. The ministry has brought us to Davao when I was really young then back to Manila and now to Baguio. But everywhere we went I was surrounded by God-fearing and God-loving members who watched me grow up, guided by the Word and the will of the Lord.
I am thankful to my parents for raising me up not only as a pastor’s kid but more importantly, God’s kid.
But of course, eventually I had to grow up and when it was time for me to go to college, I passed in my dream school, the premiere state university of the country, where I am studying now. Initially, though, there were a lot of concerns as to how I was going to handle all the pressure from the ‘liberals’ in our school. There were lots of activists in my school. My faith was going to be tested big time. It would be better to stay close to my family so that they can watch over me and my beliefs… I understood where they were coming from but I wasn’t going to give up my dreams for fears that were exactly merely that: fears.
And my parents supported this choice and my education one hundred percent.
I’m sure they probably had the same fears as the others but coupled with that was their trust in me. I was going to stand firm in my beliefs. I wasn’t going to be swayed that easily. I had fifteen years of ‘training’ for whatever blows were coming. I am glad they knew that.
But more than that, I was and still am really happy because they recognize that even if my beliefs start to change, even if I begin to question the things I grew up believing, even if my faith gets shaken, I had to learn things for myself. I am in college, I am practically a grown-up and it was time I made decisions and learned lessons on my own. It was time to get hurt, to struggle, to resist temptations and find my way through life alone.
Of course they were still there to guide me. And I have been very inquisitive lately. But they don’t flinch when I ask them about same-sex marriage or divorce or abortion and what was so wrong with them. They aren’t scandalized when I ask why God did this or that and how I think it’s quite unfair of Him. They understand. And they try to answer me and guide me as best as they can. But they also let the back of the bicycle go and watch me pedal as hard as I can to keep my balance because they know that it was something they had to do someday.
And I am finding answers. I am figuring things out on my own.
And my Daddy and Mommy not shoving the medicine down my throat when I seemed to be sick, when I didn’t seem to be my usual self, when I wasn’t the girl they raised me up to be, made it easier.
So thank you, parents.
to spend the day with you.
Once upon a time–that is, a few years ago–I never would’ve thought I would be looking forward to a day out with you.
Once upon a time, I felt that we’ve drifted so far apart that we wouldn’t ever find our way back and be friends ever again. It was funny–a twisted kind of funny if you ask me–that so much could change in the course of one summer. Even one day. Even half that. That was how quick everything went downhill for us and the friendship I very much cherished and hoped you did too.
The thing about life is that everything about it, everything that happens gives us some sort of lesson. No matter how happy or sad or painful or exciting things are, there’s a moral at the end of it all. The moral of our painful experience? Friendship is fragile. It is very, very fragile. There was only so much our bond can take, even if it was the strongest of bonds. Even before what happened, it was breaking. I knew it. I believe you knew it as well. We could’ve frozen, we could’ve stayed where we were, it could’ve been good enough for us. But we still pushed it. And it broke. We fell apart.
And it was quick. So very quick that there was no room for any sort of attempt to patch it all up. No room to talk. No room to explain. No room to try to understand.
And once upon a time, there was only room for regrets.
But you know me. It wasn’t the what-could’ve-been kind of regret. It was more of the what-was one. And that’s just it. My thoughts were about what we used to do, what we used to have, what we used to be. I kept looking back. I wanted to go back and re-do things.
I wanted you back. I wanted my friend back. I wanted a part of my life back.
It was with all these wants, all the longing that I hurt myself further, little by little. I should’ve caught myself and left you and everything else alone. But I needed closure and you avoided me like a plague. (You even said so when we were ‘speaking’ again.)
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t suicidal or anything. My world didn’t revolve around you. I had lots of other things to think about. But you know how the most important thing in a burger is the patty yet it still doesn’t seem right without ketchup? You were the ketchup. (And I feel like the mood of this lengthy post is lost because of that metaphor and this comment.) I was also occupied with everything else that I really didn’t dwell on whatever was going on (or what was not) between us but it was the type of thing that catches you off guard. I’m laughing and then something suddenly reminds me of you and I stop but try to shake it off a second later. Or after a packed day, just before I drift off to sleep I am reminded of that day. And the days before that when we were happy. And I cry. Just a little.
That was how it was and once upon a time, I didn’t know how to deal with it. The whole thing felt like a secret. If everyone knew, it would’ve brought a much more damaging blow, I just knew it. So we had an unspoken consensus. We couldn’t tell anyone. Well, at least not just anyone. I think you told one or two of your friends if only to ask what you could do. I’m not sure. But I told a few people of course. Only a handful of the friends I trusted the most. And they didn’t fail me. It never leaked and it may have made it easier for us later on.
I thanked God each day for our friends who knew us before it happened and who knew what to do after I told them. It would’ve been so much harder if I didn’t. And I guess that was another good thing that came out of our situation: It became clear to me which friends I was willing to trust and I proved that I made the right choice.
Once upon a time, I thought that was it. We wouldn’t have to see each other in the hallways anymore in a few months’ time. It would be a lot easier to avoid, a lot easier to forget, a lot easier to go our separate ways.
But I am quite stubborn and so I finally, finally confronted you. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t know then if I was being stupid. Had I not any pride at all? But looking back, it was probably one of the best choices I’ve ever made.
I asked you what the problem was. I knew it, of course, but you had to learn to talk about it if we were to move on–as friends or otherwise. Did you really think I was going to let you go that easily? Well, I thought so too. But I considered you my best friend and I just felt like I couldn’t lose someone as important as that in my life. We needed to talk and we did.
As selfish as it sounds, I think I saved us. I’m not sure if you would’ve approached me to talk about it too and you were just waiting but the point is, I did it first. I am very patient with a lot of things but this was something different altogether. It was a matter of the rest of our lives and whether or not I had to go through it without you and if I could.
I figured I couldn’t so there, I talked to you. We tried our best to make it work and at first it didn’t seem to. I eventually just tried to accept that after we receive our diplomas it was goodbye for good. I tried my best, didn’t I? We both did. Thanks. Bye.
But the universe was with me on this one. I was meant to annoy you for life and I wouldn’t admit it to your face but I was pretty okay with you bugging me for the rest of my life too.
And now here I am, a couple of years later, excited to see you over the Christmas break and possibly spend a whole day with you, probably as an early birthday celebration for me. Possibly, probably. But for sure it would be a celebration of our friendship and the many years to come.
I know we’re not as close as we used to be. What happened is a topic we would rather not touch for now. Sometimes it feels like I still have to be very, very careful and maneuver my way through things that concern you. But we’re getting there and boy, do we have time.
I’m counting down the days until we finally bond over some ice cream. Even as close friends before all the drama, we never really went out on a friendly date. And now that we are, I feel we really have matured. How much we’ve grown, eh? I hope it goes well for both of us. I’m pretty sure that after that, I’ll stop counting. No more n years ago or n years later. Just you, me and the rest of our lives. It would be pretty tiring if I had to count all the days we would remain friends because I am pretty sure it would mean counting until we grow old.
More! Huhuhu. I have yet to find the person worthy of this type of letter though. And how I wish I was half as good as these writers are.
Aaand another one. *sigh* I can’t wait to finally be able to understand this completely. Feelingsss
1. a big brother
For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted a kuya. I had–still have–a belief that an older brother was this bully and at the same time superhero who was bipolar because he annoys you to death and does everything to protect you from the evils of the world at the same time. I need a person like that in my life. I think I’ll make a good albeit also annoying little sister.
2. a star named after me
That’s possible, right? And it would be really cool, what with my recent obsession with stars.
3. a best friend
I think I just narrowed down the list of the high school friends I know I will be with forever to seven names. It seems I only truly trust seven people from the 100+ I’ve met throughout four years of my life. But while I have them, I still pray each day for the best friend truly meant for me so that I don’t have to cry, laugh and have all sorts of moments by myself.
4. more me time
There can never be too much me time, methinks. Even if I ended up talking to myself during the last one. This one, I at least have reason to hope to get because Christmas break is only a few days away. I have yet to find a place as serene (and equally safe) as our acad oval when I get home though. For deep thinking. Me time has always been for thinking. And eating.
Once again, I am thinking that I really belong to the arts. But at the same time I cannot imagine the rest of my college life without science. I can’t help but think that I am lost. I don’t know where I’m going. But I hope to figure it out soon. And it isn’t just my education and career either but other kinds of choices too. But I guess life’s about that. Figuring thing out. Making the wrong choices. Or the rights ones. And learning, either way.
6. lifetime supply of chocolates
Seriously. Because it’s my comfort food and God knows I need all the comfort I can get for the rest of my life. Because it doesn’t get any easier from here.
I really think I need to stop being moody. Aaand I always say that. I have lots of attempts to be happy and to stay that way but this time, I really, really need to just do it. Just be happy. Just do the things I have to. Some sort of resolve to escape the black hole that manages to suck me into a limbo of emotions that do nothing but shatter me. I mean sometimes it is important to feel sadness and anger and fear but I shift from one to another so quick it really doesn’t help anyone. Especially not myself. I need to learn to stay put. And the strength to do so.
8. constant reminders
That everything is going to be okay. That everything is going to be better.
9. a better way with words
I wish I was a better writer. I try.
10. something to get lost in
I don’t think I’ve ever been lost in the moment as I did something. Like how some people get lost while singing or drawing or running. I have yet to find something I will be so devoted to that I just lose any and all sense of time and everything else around me out of delight.