Know that I am

by jemfinch

For all my whining and complaining, all the awful days I’ve been through, all the negative emotions I’ve felt, negative energy I’ve scarred this blog with, I am actually slowly learning to look around more and I am finding all the people who truly love me and make an effort to make me feel how much they do. And I just think, this time I have to learn to appreciate them more. They’re the most amazing things in my life and I should be excited about them every time. Like how excited I always get because of Christmas, book sales, desserts. And even more.

Having been through so much has made me reluctant to trust, has filled my mind with doubts that they overshadow the little things my family and friends do for me everyday. Being too cautious, fear, the past made me miss a lot of things. I don’t appreciate them. I don’t even notice.

(And I with my attempts at surprising people and trying to show them how loved they are should and do know the first thing about not being appreciated as much as I hope to be)

 

I feel dumb for only realizing this now but it is better than never being able to.

To be more conscious of things people do for me. All the hugs, the pieces of advice, the jokes, the texts. Even the little smiles they send my way.

Instead of focusing on the failing, falling parts of the day, I want to learn to make my life revolve around the little happy things, the amazing, amazing people I get to see and hear from everyday.

 

I am starting to.

And my general mood is already starting to flip.

 

I have regrets but more because of the chances, the little signs I’ve missed. But now all I want to be is thankful.

I really hope the wonderful people in my life could see this post.

If you belong to that part of my life and by that I mean the part that makes everything more bearable, my day sunnier and me happier and by some weird circumstance have stumbled upon this blog, I just want to thank you. You’ve saved me a lot more times than you’re aware of.

 

Or maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t see this because from now on I am personally going to reciprocate the love they have all so selflessly extended to moody me.

 

If ever someone I know does read this though, I hope you recognize me: the 16-year-old (at present) student from UP Diliman whom most people know as Jem. And know that I am grateful.

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